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  • 00:00

    Aug 7th, 2023

    00:00

    Past midnight

    Introduction,

    I found myself toiling away past midnight, engrossed in crafting a speech I am meant to present in 10 days. I am upset with myself, it is too late, and I may run the risk to have to pay the price, and struggle tomorrow. But what if, after 23:59 it is not too late, midnight, but it is the new start, the actual beginning, the awaited opportunity, the new lens, focus on taking the new actions to shape my new future.

    Indeed, I stumbled upon a revelation, as the words landing on the page held a deeper signification. As if, I am giving a voice to something much deeper, an unquiet voice within me that had been awakened, constantly paint vivid pictures in my mind’s eye. This process not only clarifies my thoughts, but also freeing me from the old repetitive ways of expression.

    Mysterious voices.

    In the mist of this journey, I also found solace in the page of a book titled ‘The book of Form and Emptiness’ by Ruth Ozeki. The story of a boy 14-year-old grappling with the loss of his Japanese American jazz musician father resonated with me. The boy heard mysterious voices, and encountered a wandering poet and philosopher who taught the boy the power of giving expression to this inner voice. This notion of a book having its own voice was intriguing. It was illustrating how something bigger than you can have an urge to reveal itself independently one wants or does not want.

    My book is talking to me.

    The boy starts to realise that he may have a book inside of him. The physical book narrates three voices, The son, the mother overwhelmed by the loss of her dead husband, dealing with her teenage son and the book’s own voice. ‘That is my book, and it is talking to you’. ‘Books have their own destinies’1.

    The truth that guides us.

    Contemplating this idea, I wondered if we all carry a quieter voice inside, one that speaks to us continually -though some may hear it more clearly than others. What is truth, and what is not? Is it the truth that guides us, or are there multiple truths to navigate, like the journey of Elsa in the animated musical fantasy film Frozen II2.

    Elsa kept hearing this voice, and by fighting it, she became colder, harsher with herself and her surroundings. She must follow it through. It will lead her to a dark scary forest, on first impression what seemed an obscure and inhospitable environment. She will meet weird creatures, ghost ancestors, but each one will assist her, reveal something to her, if she remains on her path to her destiny.

    A kind of small death.

    A warm feeling stirred within me, a realisation that even though external circumstances might remain unchanged, I am experiencing a transformative shift – a kind of small death leading to reset, rebirth. I am gracefully walking away from battles that no longer served me, discarding old tools and, understanding that shaping my life and future mattered more than blind obedience for the sake of security, and stability.

    Open and reachign out.

    This morning chant and chat of Nam Myoho Renge Kyo3 with three fellow friends brought enlightening dialogues about opening up, reaching out, and using our voices. Each of one of our conversations inspired me as they tackled the very realities we face in the present.

    Time is eternal when one loves.

    I am sat at my desk, I am glancing at an engraving on my desk’s potholder – a golden flower with some shading, basked in sunlight, surrounded by beautiful circle rosacea and leaves… I was reminded of the simple yet profound drawings I shared in handmade cards during the new year 2023. Time is eternal when one loves, it keeps turning, giving.

    The patient voice.

    When I dare to unearth my unique voice, forging my own path through storytelling and allowing unquiet voices within me to resonate with the world. In the pursuit of authenticity, I thanked you, quiet voice to be patient with me, unfolding another day of boundless beauty of self- discovery.

    Love, gratitude and authenticity drive me XXxxX

    “ The 4 powers are the power of the Buddha, the power of the Law, the power of faith, and the power of practice.

    In Nichiren’s Daishonin teachings, the four powers are known as the four powers of the Mystic Law, whose interactions enables one to have one’s prayers answered and attain Buddhahood. The power of the Buddha is the Buddha’s compassion in saving all people. The power of the Law indicates the boundless capacity of the Mystic Law to lead all people to enlightenment. The power of faith is to believe in the Gohonzon, the object of devotion that embodies the power of the Buddha and the power of the Law, and the power of practice is to chant Nam Myoho renge Kyo one-self and teach others to do the same. To the extend that one brings forth one’s power of faith and practice, one can manifest the powers of the Buddhas and the Law within one’s life.”
    P 228 The Soka Gakkai Dictionary of Buddhism4

    1. Quotes from ‘The book of Form and Emptiness’ by Ruth Ozeki ↩︎
    2. Frozen II – Wikipedia ↩︎
    3. Home | SGI-UK ↩︎
    4. four powers | Dictionary of Buddhism | Nichiren Buddhism Library (nichirenlibrary.org) ↩︎

  • It’s ok!

    Aug 5th, 2023

    Bonjour, Good Morning, Guten Morgen, Sabah Alkhayr, Shubh Prabhaat everyone!

    Today marks the beginning of my blogging journey 5.8.2023, and I could not be more excited.

    At a crossroad, shock the old ways…

    As my life takes me to a crossroads, I have realised that the old ways are no longer serving me. It is time to give birth to the new, and embark on a path of true growth, true peace, true smile, true happiness NOW!

    I aspire to play new roles, choose new behaviours for myself, my daughter, my family, my wider family, my lawyers, my friends. I aspire to choose to do better, and unlock what needs to be unlocked.

    A daily habit, a commitment to self and others, my training…

    I am currently leading a powerful informal meeting dedicated to chanting based on Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism (https://sgi-uk.org/), which started 3rd May 2023. This morning group 8 to 10 rise together on the morning ready to start at 6:15am, chanting together “Nam Myoho Rengue Kyo” from the 3.5.2023 to the 11th August 2023. Subsequently to that, we drew inspiration reading a piece of practical encouragement of my life Mentor Daisaku Ikeda, the New Human Revolution books series (https://www.sokaglobal.org/resources/study-materials/buddhist-study/the-new-human-revolution.html).

    • This morning daily practice ( now consecutively for the third year in a row) has instilled in me a powerful habit of waking up earlier and bringing myself closer to the people in my life whom I am committed to seeing them.
    • I observed the dynamic forces of forming a group, going through the storming, and norming stages. To begin with, I found myself resisting the storming phase to keep the peace, and refraining to judge the emerging issues by playing the pacifier. But then, I realised these challenges presented the opportunity for me to choose better and grow, and give permission for another to be supported to grow, and not fall back to old reactive responses.

    Opening the eyes in society, my work contribution…

    Even in my working environment, I have also started to see changes. The I, has made conscious effort to embody new behaviours I want to be part of, and I refuse engaging in actions that do not align with my values. Instead of getting entangled in conflicts, I create distance from negativity to see clearly, and access true options. Crucially, I started to open my eyes, stopped blaming myself for not being good enough or able to fix everything.

    Return to the fundamental…learning to love…having fun…

    Recently, I had a profound realisation about love. I was made aware that children are programmed inherently to love their parents, even if they have been abusive. They have no choice, it is an instinctual response for their survival. What if, some of us have loved someone who had never experienced genuine love.

    • Love is not something complicated, rocket science, or the result of hard work like I have believed for decades. I am on a journey to allow people close to me to love me, and I wont be ashamed of it anymore. For too long, I wanted to play the emotionally independent, which only fuels the f*~€ consumer-driven society’s programming to fill the perceived lack with outside stuff. I have come to understand that most of our budget issues are emotional spending stemming from starvation of glorious ordinary love. You and I are love, purely love otherwise we will not be here in human form. It takes an incredible quantity of cosmic force for each one of us to come here, to do what we need to do, i.e. to emulate our inner treasures…gift to serve the world. Don’t be fool, self love is KEY, and will save you billions in money, time, efforts. It is not complicated, it is right here, right now, it is within you now.

    My call to action…write, speak up what you embody…

    For me, it was the most quieter voice I heard distantly back in 2020 during Covid 19. I want to write. Writing, sharing my ideas, insights, and giving it f*~€ air-time and spaces, liberated me. My being is existing, just by doing just this, I let go all of the resistances, I am it, I am present now. Thank you.

    I am thrilled to embark on this blogging journey, and share more of my experiences and thoughts with you all. Lets grow together, learn from each other, and embrace the beauty of life.

    Stay tuned for more updates, and thank you for joining me on this adventure!

    Love, gratitude and authenticity drive me XXxxX

    …our hearts become clouded by illusion and karma, we grow befuddled and confused. This prevents the brilliant light of the eternal world of Buddhahood from illuminating our lives.

    … the difficulty, is that, even if one consciously makes an effort to become aware of the eternity of life, ultimately, it is life that supports the self that is trying to achieve this awareness.
    One cannot comprehend what is large with what is small; a wave cannot comprehend the ocean over whose surface it passes. “

    “The only way to awaken to live eternity is to cause the greater eternal self to emerge within the small self. And to do this, we need to undertake the task of self purification wholeheartedly, with the entire being.

    This is the purpose of Buddhist practice.”

    P258 Chapter ‘I am a Bodhisattva of the Earth’ From the book ” The Wisdom of the Lotus Sutra” By Daisaku Ikeda Vol 3

  • Chapter One

    Aug 5th, 2023

    The studio was filled with the rich odour of roses, and when the light summer wind stirred amidst the trees of the garden, there came through the open door the heavy scent of the lilac, or the more delicate perfume of the pink-flowering thorn.

    From the corner of the divan of Persian saddle-bags on which he was lying, smoking, as was his custom, innumerable cigarettes, Lord Henry Wotton could just catch the gleam of the honey-sweet and honey-coloured blossoms of a laburnum, whose tremulous branches seemed hardly able to bear the burden of a beauty so flamelike as theirs; and now and then the fantastic shadows of birds in flight flitted across the long tussore-silk curtains that were stretched in front of the huge window, producing a kind of momentary Japanese effect, and making him think of those pallid, jade-faced painters of Tokyo who, through the medium of an art that is necessarily immobile, seek to convey the sense of swiftness and motion. The sullen murmur of the bees shouldering their way through the long unmown grass, or circling with monotonous insistence round the dusty gilt horns of the straggling woodbine, seemed to make the stillness more oppressive. The dim roar of London was like the bourdon note of a distant organ.

    In the centre of the room, clamped to an upright easel, stood the full-length portrait of a young man of extraordinary personal beauty, and in front of it, some little distance away, was sitting the artist himself, Basil Hallward, whose sudden disappearance some years ago caused, at the time, such public excitement and gave rise to so many strange conjectures.

    As the painter looked at the gracious and comely form he had so skilfully mirrored in his art, a smile of pleasure passed across his face, and seemed about to linger there. But he suddenly started up, and closing his eyes, placed his fingers upon the lids, as though he sought to imprison within his brain some curious dream from which he feared he might awake.

    “It is your best work, Basil, the best thing you have ever done,” said Lord Henry languidly. “You must certainly send it next year to the Grosvenor. The Academy is too large and too vulgar. Whenever I have gone there, there have been either so many people that I have not been able to see the pictures, which was dreadful, or so many pictures that I have not been able to see the people, which was worse. The Grosvenor is really the only place.”

    “I don’t think I shall send it anywhere,” he answered, tossing his head back in that odd way that used to make his friends laugh at him at Oxford. “No, I won’t send it anywhere.”

    Lord Henry elevated his eyebrows and looked at him in amazement through the thin blue wreaths of smoke that curled up in such fanciful whorls from his heavy, opium-tainted cigarette. “Not send it anywhere? My dear fellow, why? Have you any reason? What odd chaps you painters are! You do anything in the world to gain a reputation. As soon as you have one, you seem to want to throw it away. It is silly of you, for there is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. A portrait like this would set you far above all the young men in England, and make the old men quite jealous, if old men are ever capable of any emotion.”

    “I know you will laugh at me,” he replied, “but I really can’t exhibit it. I have put too much of myself into it.”

    Lord Henry stretched himself out on the divan and laughed.

    “Yes, I knew you would; but it is quite true, all the same.”

    “Too much of yourself in it! Upon my word, Basil, I didn’t know you were so vain; and I really can’t see any resemblance between you, with your rugged strong face and your coal-black hair, and this young Adonis, who looks as if he was made out of ivory and rose-leaves. Why, my dear Basil, he is a Narcissus, and you—well, of course you have an intellectual expression and all that. But beauty, real beauty, ends where an intellectual expression begins. Intellect is in itself a mode of exaggeration, and destroys the harmony of any face. The moment one sits down to think, one becomes all nose, or all forehead, or something horrid. Look at the successful men in any of the learned professions. How perfectly hideous they are! Except, of course, in the Church. But then in the Church they don’t think. A bishop keeps on saying at the age of eighty what he was told to say when he was a boy of eighteen, and as a natural consequence he always looks absolutely delightful. Your mysterious young friend, whose name you have never told me, but whose picture really fascinates me, never thinks. I feel quite sure of that. He is some brainless beautiful creature who should be always here in winter when we have no flowers to look at, and always here in summer when we want something to chill our intelligence. Don’t flatter yourself, Basil: you are not in the least like him.”

    “You don’t understand me, Harry,” answered the artist. “Of course I am not like him. I know that perfectly well. Indeed, I should be sorry to look like him. You shrug your shoulders? I am telling you the truth. There is a fatality about all physical and intellectual distinction, the sort of fatality that seems to dog through history the faltering steps of kings. It is better not to be different from one’s fellows. The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world. They can sit at their ease and gape at the play. If they know nothing of victory, they are at least spared the knowledge of defeat. They live as we all should live—undisturbed, indifferent, and without disquiet. They neither bring ruin upon others, nor ever receive it from alien hands. Your rank and wealth, Harry; my brains, such as they are—my art, whatever it may be worth; Dorian Gray’s good looks—we shall all suffer for what the gods have given us, suffer terribly.”

    “Dorian Gray? Is that his name?” asked Lord Henry, walking across the studio towards Basil Hallward.

    “Yes, that is his name. I didn’t intend to tell it to you.”

  • Chapter Two

    Aug 5th, 2023

    “Oh, I can’t explain. When I like people immensely, I never tell their names to any one. It is like surrendering a part of them. I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvellous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it. When I leave town now I never tell my people where I am going. If I did, I would lose all my pleasure. It is a silly habit, I dare say, but somehow it seems to bring a great deal of romance into one’s life. I suppose you think me awfully foolish about it?”

    “Not at all,” answered Lord Henry, “not at all, my dear Basil. You seem to forget that I am married, and the one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties. I never know where my wife is, and my wife never knows what I am doing. When we meet—we do meet occasionally, when we dine out together, or go down to the Duke’s—we tell each other the most absurd stories with the most serious faces. My wife is very good at it—much better, in fact, than I am. She never gets confused over her dates, and I always do. But when she does find me out, she makes no row at all. I sometimes wish she would; but she merely laughs at me.”

    “I hate the way you talk about your married life, Harry,” said Basil Hallward, strolling towards the door that led into the garden. “I believe that you are really a very good husband, but that you are thoroughly ashamed of your own virtues. You are an extraordinary fellow. You never say a moral thing, and you never do a wrong thing. Your cynicism is simply a pose.”

    “Being natural is simply a pose, and the most irritating pose I know,” cried Lord Henry, laughing; and the two young men went out into the garden together and ensconced themselves on a long bamboo seat that stood in the shade of a tall laurel bush. The sunlight slipped over the polished leaves. In the grass, white daisies were tremulous.

    After a pause, Lord Henry pulled out his watch. “I am afraid I must be going, Basil,” he murmured, “and before I go, I insist on your answering a question I put to you some time ago.”

    “What is that?” said the painter, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground.

    “You know quite well.”

    “I do not, Harry.”

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